ThTh: Interview with F. Magdalene Austin of Sundrip Journals

This past August, I wrote here about art being used as therapy to help kids with behavioral issues and learning disabilities.  I also talked about how it can help all of us and become our sanctuary.  Today, I am very pleased to bring you an interview with the wonderful artist and writer, F. Magdalene Austin of Sundrip Journals.  Austin has been using art and writing as therapy, and journaling about it online at www.sundrip.com.  ~ Pamela

Austin, thank you so much for your generosity and for sharing with us today.  Will you please tell us when and why you created your journals?

I started a blog back in 2001at AOL Hometown. I started the blog so that my doctors could all have one place where they could go to check on my progress and read therapy assignments. My therapist and psychiatrist both gave written homework. I wanted to keep them all together in an easy to search database so a blog only seemed natural. Having this database online meant my care team could come to one spot at their leisure to read my assignments.

After a few months of blogging it occurred to me that I could do so much more. I could write about my own experiences in a way that isn’t common among survivors. I decided to write secret thoughts and concerns in sometimes brutally honest ways. At first I was worried I’d be ostracized and attacked for such candid writings but the opposite occurred. People read and they continue to read often leaving comments about their similar experiences. Over the years Sundrip blog has become not just a place where post therapy assignments, rant and rave, work out dreams or talk about daily events. Sundrip has become a cyber home where my roots are. It’s a record of growth and connection.

Why “Sundrip?” What does it mean?

Sundrip is hope that drips from the sun, it’s rays of blessings that fall down upon us. I believe that each day we are given we have the opportunity to make our life a wonderful experience. When we fail at things we have a second chance as long as the sun comes up. Sundrip means blessings at sunrise as well as an answered request for another chance to grow and excel. As long as the sun rises we have another shot at a manageable and happy life.  In one word, Sundrip means hope.

There are three parts to the website SUNDRIP – Art for Life. The main page is host to artwork not related to therapy. The blog called The People Behind My Eyesis dedicated to hope and healing through writing and art therapy. The third page of Sundrip is called Food For The Fragmented Mind. It has easy recipes for people that live with emotional difficulties. The recipes are designed to help us eat balanced meals without expending a lot of energy. That page is currently being given a face lift and will go online again late in the fall.

When did you first turn to art as therapy?

I paint for pleasure, to express gratitude, inner thoughts as well as for therapeutic reasons.  It wasn’t until early September of 2005 that a doctor encouraged me to paint a memory I had with the hopes that I could desensitize the experience. To my surprise it worked. In addition to my other art I’ve taken in art therapy as a regular part of my life because I’ve seen the power behind it. Once I realized I could actually change how I respond to trauma how could I do anything other than continue with art therapy treatment? I now paint nightmares and other dreams with the hopes of desensitizing them. I would like to say that for me art therapy is only part of what I do. I paint away my past one stroke and one colour at a time but I also paint the joy in my heart because is my heart is where true vision lives.  (See Austin’s Art Therapy page.)

How do you feel while in the process of creating? Afterward?

There is an acrylic painting on my wall right now that doesn’t simply signify everyone’s need to feel pure it also is a reminder of how fast my heart beats when painting. It’s all but an aerobic work out for me. Sometimes I’m so intense with a painting that I snap the brush in half. I paint in a fury quite often and have to tell myself to slow down and take it easy. I also have to admit my anxiety level goes through the roof towards the end of a piece because I can see it all worked out. When I have the last stroke on the canvas it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s as if the air is clear and pure and not just because the paint thinner bottle is closed. When the painting is complete I feel lighter. I feel happy. Although the process sounds intense it is the process that I find most rewarding the ending is like icing the cake. 

What materials do you use in your work?

I mainly work in acrylic or pen and ink but more recently I’ve started using oils. I dabble in just about every medium there is. I also use Photoshop for my artwork. One thing I’d like to say about Photoshop is this, I like for my art to look as if I used a paintbrush not a paintbrush program. The goal of my art used with such a program is to have the viewer see the piece and never consider that a computer program was used. I like the “by hand” look not the “by computer” look so most times when I create with Photoshop I don’t use the filters. I paint each stroke with the mouse.   

Is there any other art form you’d like to tackle?

I would love to learn to sculpt or do paper mache’. Pottery has always been of interest to me as well as blowing glass.

What is a typical day like for you?

Most times my feet hit the ground running. I get up and take care of my three critters but I do so with physical pain and emotional fall out from whatever I dreamed the night before. For the first few hours everything I do is on autopilot. I push depression to the back and simply perform basic household chores and self care tasks. In my opinion I have too much time on my hands which is the only reason I can tell you what a typical day is like.

Most days I have no plans at all other than making sure I make it through the day alive. I know that answer isn’t inspiring at all but it is a truthful one. Most of the time my day consists of surviving flashbacks of childhood and early adult abuses. Whatever time I have between those attacks is used to desensitize them, manage my everyday affairs and create.  

Do you believe your journal and art will help others, and how so?

It is my hope that when people see my art they are moved to think, feel and act. It is my hope when people read my journal they are moved to adjust how they view survivors of abuse and how they treat their loved ones.

My journal goes deeply into my experiences as a survivor of torture and rape. I record in strict detail nightmares and flashbacks as it relates to these subjects. The People Behind My Eyes is not for the light hearted but if a person reads I hope they will take away that no matter how horrible an experience is we can choose better for ourselves. We can work through as much of our past as humanly possible so we can have good shot at a manageable future. I use the word manageable because no matter what our experiences are life is hard so I shoot manageable and hope for happiness.

Do you have any hobbies?

I do. I sew as a hobby and read other blogs as a hobby. I recently started making dolls with painted faces. These have been a blast. I find little items to add to them for details one wouldn’t expect to see on a rag doll. The first doll to go up on Sundrip has little sunflower ear rings, a cream dress, little black shoes and ruffled socks.  

What type of art do you enjoy viewing?

I particularly enjoy figurative abstracts as well as minimalism and expressionism. In my home I have mostly expressionism with a tiny bit of cubism. The expressionism works are created with earth tones which I find most relaxing. I usually don’t like high colour art in my home because I find it makes me nervous. I may paint in strong colours but in my home I need blues and greens, browns and golds. Art is most appealing to me when it moves me. I’m moved to peace when I see light shades and earth tones.

Which one piece from your body of work holds the most significance for you?

The artwork I use as my icon if you will has the same name as my website. It shows a fairy standing towards between two trees while looking at the sun. The young fairy leans more towards one side than the middle but her goal is to stand directly in the middle where balance is. She wants to stand where the sunrays can fully fall upon her. When she reaches her goal of standing in the middle she can call herself healed.

This particular piece illustrates the goal of a person living with borderline personality disorder. Often times a person’s thinking can be black or white, all or nothing. The goal for many is to see and think with multiple choices instead of good or bad, either or. My personal goal is to think and see in shades of colour as I stand closer to the middle and accept sunrays.

What or who do you find most inspiring?

I am inspired by the colour green. I don’t know why but when I see a lot of green I want to paint.

What advice would you give to others struggling to survive and heal?

I’ve been drawing and painting since I was a child but in my heart I knew I had to grow up and be a Chef. I knew as early as eight years old that I needed to be a Chef, not wanted to be but needed to be. There was nothing else out there I could fathom spending the rest of my life doing. When I entered college I didn’t think twice about what I’d study. I didn’t change majors not even once. I finished and began cooking. For years I traveled and cooked, traveled and cooked loving every second of it. Then physical and emotional changes brought all that to an end. (see the about me page). I worked in several other capacities but without the passion I had for cooking. I had to sit and re-group, find another field I could pour myself into and feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. I again picked up a brush and never looked back.

All of this is to say, life can and will change in the blink of an eye. We have control over so very little but one thing we do have control over is our ability to keep our attitude in check. We have the ability to feed ourselves emotionally and spiritually. I, like many, had my time of grief and anger over a change in circumstances but I like many regrouped and grew with the change. This is an important thing to remember. Let yourself be human and tumble but let yourself be stand again. I could have stayed stuck in grief and anger concerning Lupus and mental health issues that’s not me. I didn’t live through what I barely survived just to stop now. I’ve always kept moving and hope to always keep looking for something spectacular. Why? Because there is no grace or beauty in sitting still as you drown in self pity. The last thing I wanted was to lose myself to that kind of tragedy so I kept trying, kept hoping and kept thinking about the next day and what it could bring.

I believe to succeed in life as a survivor of horrors we must keep moving forward. I also believe when the time comes we should sit and smell the flowers with every intention of rising again. 

The Essence of Me

I wish to rise from ruins.
Gather broken pieces,
Shards and shreds long cast off as useless
And create one form worth standing for.
I will rise from rubble
For one great stand
One grand shine.

In my true essence
I wish to rise unscathed by imagery and voices
That encourage the lying down of hope.

 ~~*~~

Purchase Austin’s art at:

Tags: Art, art therapy, Interview, Writing